At work there was a coworker who announced her pregnancy right after mine, but I was 3 months ahead... and then we found out she would be taking 2 months leave because our manager told us she lost the baby. Luckily I won't be seeing her because I'll be gone to start my leave when she returns. Overall I'm glad I won't be seeing her because I really wouldn't know what to say because I just feel so bad for her and can't imagine what it'd be like for her right now. This was a very wanted pregnancy for us and I know it was for her pregnancy as well, and it just came as a shock because she was around 12 weeks and she was talking to me about how she already bought a stroller and everything... I felt so terrible. I was assuming your risk of miscarriage decreases once you pass 12 weeks but now it all made sense how when I called the hospital (where my OB works) the voice recording said to reach out to family doctor if you're under 20 weeks and if you're 20 weeks, to call triage. I'm know I'm just really anxious and paranoid because I've been going on Reddit way too much and those places are bad for my mental health but I just can't help being a victim to click bait type posts. So far I'm crossing my fingers cause my pregnancy has been pretty normal so far minus the heart burn and now hip pains. I feel like I'm extremely lucky? (Well, minus the COVID part, from last year. That wasn't fun...)
One thing that I did get diagnosed with last month was gestational diabetes though... and I cried every day for week after cause I was so sad. Even my OB was confident I would pass the second test after I failed the first one, but I didn't!! And I had to make certain changes to my diet. Which I admit, I was eating a lot of carbs (I guess I had a bread and pizza making frenzy over the holidays *cough*) which was for the better, but aside from that I was eating healthy (we eat out once a week max and I can't eat anything fried or spicy anyways cause of heartburn). I don't have family history of diabetes and neither does Fred. And I rarely eat sweets to begin with (maybe once a week I would indulge, but even if I get boba it's always 50% sugar all the time!!) and then the doctors telling me to stay away from sweets... like really??? What y'all think I've been doing?? It's so frustrating... and with my birthday coming up, it's gonna be even more sad.
But on the bright side, I'm learning how to cook more healthy things and this is good practice for me to make my own lunches (my mother in law cooks lunch and dinner for us normally). The finger pricking isn't fun but at least the stuff was free and I can use an app to track my sugar levels. Which are more or less on target? Which makes me wonder how on earth did I fail those tests to begin with? I swear it was because the glucose solution was way too sweet for me, for someone who rarely has sweet things to begin with... I got high readings after the 1 hour mark. But lately my readings have been good, so what gives??? Anyways, I'm glad I was able to sneak in some sweets before all this happened and now I know how to eat properly to not create a spike. But they also mentioned that this would give me the risk of having a large baby... well shit, I was at my 32 week ultrasound today and they told me bb was measuring small! What gives? I'm so confused... But she's moving a lot and otherwise seems healthy so that's all that matters.
Lately, I've been browsing lolita content a lot more because I miss it so much. Very few dresses fit me now and it's much harder putting a coord together now that it's winter and I only have like one pair of shoes that are appropriate for winter (I kept wearing heels until 2nd trimester but I suppose I shouldn't risk it now...) I keep staring at my closet of unworn dresses and although it gives me a boost of serotonin it also makes me worried - what if I won't ever have the time to put together a coord ever again?
I won't be doing a lolita wardrobe tour this year because I really didn't buy much last year. It's more like I pretty much have all my dream dresses right now (aside from a few which are impossible to find right now because the 2nd hand market just isn't so good for dresses anymore) and none of the new releases really speak to me (or they're really hard to get so I don't even bother).
Two things I am waiting for right now (aside from coats and a sweater from Chinese Lolita Updates-I've been getting offbrand blouses and shoes on and off, and maybe got 1 dress last year) are a tulle skirt which can be casually worn and a classic babydoll jumperskirt from Baby, The Stars Shine Bright (sort of an early birthday present for myself). Honestly it's been a while since I've bought anything from Baby, heck I haven't even worn the thing I bought last time (still waiting for the right time/weather since it's all cotton) but I love the quality so much. I don't know why I'm so drawn to the yellow colorway this time around because I did want this in red, too! I've been falling in love with the old school lolita look lately but have yet to put together an old school coordinate. The yellow looks really pretty though and I happen to have a lot of yellow things in my closet to match (mostly thinking of the yellow Pompurin onesie and shoes I got for bb) I'm excited to get it. The long tulle skirt is from an indie brand and although it's on the pricier side considering it's being drop shipped from China, the design is very romantic yet cute and I have lots of tops I can imagine pairing with it nicely already! The only issue is the sizing - I got the M size cause I'm no longer fitting into a small these days but the measurements seem kind of large for a typical M size? I'm thinking there's a ribbon on the back to tie it up and it'd be easier to alter it to be smaller than if it's too small... so I hope it fits and it's not too big (although I can't really tell until the bb is out!)
I'm so not ready to be a mom? Will I ever be? I keep picturing all the fun outings and matching outfits that we'll have but also kind of dreading parenting from what other people have told me... the sound of babies crying still kinda trigger me. How will I react if it's my own kid? What if I'm a bad parent? Maybe I'm overthinking this too much but I feel like suddenly this is happening all too fast. And because of the bb, I traded in my old car for an upgrade. It has so many features and it's a hybrid and bigger than anything I've ever driven, so it's been a learning curve so far. It's not even a nice luxury car, either, yet I am in awe. I really pray all goes well with this car because despite how much I like how Honda's drive, I had such bad memories with my Civic that I don't want to relive that again. But then again, I paid almost nothing for it (pre-pandemic prices and 0% interest, what are those?!) and I got it when I was working at my old job, so it's tied to all the memories from that time. Who knew I could have so many mixed feelings attached to a vehicle - and I actually really hate driving. But maybe it's the car itself that makes it all better? Who knows... I was dreading driving to all my appointments later in my pregnancy (thanks, GD diagnosis) and jealous of all the people I know who are pregnant/have kids and don't have to commute to work every day like I do and all the partners I see at my OB's clinic every time I'm there while I'm all alone... but maybe it won't be so bad from now on after all? Except the new car fumes...
Anyways this post ended up being way too long! I guess I had a lot of feelings and a lot of shit happened recently that I don't feel comfortable sharing in short snippets on Instagram or Twitter. I've missed blogging and it's kinda sad how no one really does this anymore? Well, that's all for this post. Until next time!!
No comments:
Post a Comment